Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
