I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
