I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
