If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
