god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
