What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
