I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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