That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want to make out with him forever
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
