thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
