can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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