I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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