Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize