1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
well you can't waste a boner
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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