Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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