You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
