My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
