How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
