i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
