I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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