I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
