apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
