he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
