if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
