I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
