I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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