I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
