Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
you never un-have a 4some
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
