girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
