see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
