You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
