OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
