I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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