you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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