I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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