I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
