i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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