I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im holly from the hills drunk
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
