I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
