sarcasm needs its own font
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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