i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
