At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
