so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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