I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
