the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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