i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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