she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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