Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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