Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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