Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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