I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
