dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's like heaven, but drunker
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
