Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
