Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
