Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i think i just lost a toe
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
