Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
