I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
