Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
