if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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